501+ Funny Instagram Bios for Comedians

Pat Walls

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Updated: January 19th, 2023

If you're looking to up your Instagram game, it's imperative that you have a great Instagram bio.

Your Instagram bio is the first thing your followers will see - it should be unique and tell users exactly what you do and who you are.

We understand how difficult it can be to craft a compelling Instagram bio, which is why we curated a list of the best comedian business Instagram bios.

Additionally, we provide you with examples of the best comedian business bios on Instagram and a step-by-step guide to get you started.

Looking to generate your own bio? Check out our free Instagram bio generator here.

Creative Comedians Instagram Bios

I feel sorry for the shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.
Coffee-Drinker, eReader Addict, Blogger. I’m very busy and awesome.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
It’s 2020, where’s the “Fold” button on my dryer?
My laziness is like the number 8. Once I lie down it’s infinite.
People will stare. Make it worth their while.
I’m only pretending to be me.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Not all men are fools; some stay single.
I once sneezed a beanie weenie through my nose. I also made a horse faint in Costa Rica.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
Before you, I never believed in forever. Now, I know that is not long enough to spend with you.
You drink too much and gossip too much. Let’s be friends.
While heaven must surely mourn the loss of one of its own, we mere mortals celebrate your grace.
I am probably the best meat eater in the world.
I’ve always thought being popular on Instagram is as about as useless as being rich in monopoly.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I don’t have much to give you. I’m not a rich man. What I can promise is that everything I do will be for you, always.
I am coming back to face the reality that a normal day is not beer on the beach or calamari in the belly.
Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was amazing!
All you hipsters need to stop wearing Nirvana shirts if you don’t even listen to them.
Life happens. Coffee helps.
The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.
Scratch here to see my status.
Will show ankle for five minutes of wireless.
Always select the right one. How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I am joking.
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
I’m on Instagram, like you!
I think it’s weird if a girl doesn’t have an Instagram nowadays.
Welcome to my Instagram feed, where people come to enjoy me.
Aggressively infancy and stuff.
I prefer my puns intended.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
My password had to be at least eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, man! Breathe!
I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks.
Whenever I have a problem, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
I’m so open-minded, my brains might fall out.
None of my friends know who Goku is.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
I woke up this way.
Crowded elevators smell different from short people.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
I’m not special, I’m a limited edition.
God bless this hot mess.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Hey there! Instagram is using me.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
I’m not glad it’s “Friday” I’m glad it’s “Today”. Love your life 7 days a week.
White lips, pale face, I hate the entire human race.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
I’m not sure how many problems I have, because math is one of them.
Words cannot express my love & passion for Fridays!
Don’t think for a second that I actually care what you have to say.
I Can’t remember who I stole my bio from or why.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Life would be so boring without me.
Sarcasm connoisseur.
If you can’t say something nice, come sit by me.
I was at a funeral and the widow asked if I would say a word. I said “plethora.” She said Thanks, that means a lot.
Not the guy she told you not to worry about.
I bet you $10,231.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
WiFi, food, my bed. Perfection.
I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.
Does eye-rolling count as cardio?
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I put the hot in psychotic.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
Nothing more than a man who cared enough to try.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
The best things in life are not things.
Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Time flies after you hit the snooze button.
If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – but I’m stuck on this chapter.
Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
People can change. Just make sure you change for the better.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
My last words will be I left a million dollars under the...
I’m starting to like Instagram, which is weird because I hate pictures.
When I miss you it seems every song I listen to is about you.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
You’re too rad to be sad.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer, oh wait, he does.
There is only 4 inches distance between the 2 holes.
Someday, there’s going to be an updated version of me.
You may see me weak, but you will never see me quit.
I need to go to Wal-Mart but I can’t find my pajamas.
I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The hardest part of the business is minding your own.
You know you are in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
I hold the key to the secrets of the universe. I just can’t find the lock.
When I miss you I re-read our old conversations and smile like an idiot.
We’ll always be BFFs because you know too much.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on HD somewhere.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Asking me if I want another drink is like asking me if I want some money.
Why is it that everything I love is unhealthy, addicting, or has multiple restraining orders against me?

Cute Comedians Instagram Bios

I hate peer pressure and you should too.
I’m a Basset Hound aficionado with a mouth like a Syphilitic sailor.
Nice guys finish lunch.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’m so fresh they call me Febreze.
A Caffeine dependent life-form.
I still don’t understand Twitter, but here I am.
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Often unreliable. Easily distracted.
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
There are three kinds of people in this world, and I don’t like any of them.
Bald. Often Unreliable. Easily distracted.
I’m the result of a natural 20.
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
To infinity and beyond.
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
We go together like drunk and disorderly!
Oh, I’m sorry, was my sass too much for you?
Winner of World’s Best Wife Award.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
Pudding tastes better with a plastic spoon.
My social security number is hidden in every single image I’ve ever posted.
I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
Time is precious—waste it wisely.
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in so many words, he just said that I need to reduce the amount of stress in my life.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
I don’t understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
Beware of the dog…the cat is also pretty shady.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Spent a large portion of my life eating. Will do the same in the next life.
Recovering ice cream addict.
Why look up at the stars when the biggest star is me.
Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.
What would the honey badger do?
If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Analogue at birth, digital by design.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I am unable to quit, as I am currently too legit.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself This changes everything.
When you fall for someone’s personality, almost everything about them becomes handsome and beautiful.
Absolutely awkward, proudest of nerd & geek, decreaser of world sucking.
My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.
I’m not smart, I just wear glasses.
There. I joined Instagram. Happy now?
The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.
Chaos, panic & disorder – my work here is done.
If you’re going through Hell, keep going.
A man sued an airline after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
I’m not online, it’s just an optical illusion.
Where am I and how did I get here?
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
The bags under my eyes are Gucci.
Me: Did you get a haircut? Dad: No, I got them all cut.
Living proof that nobody's perfect.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use over their mouth!
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
Guest-starred in Frasier S6E8: “The Seal Who Came to Dinner.” You’re welcome.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
In search of sleep, sanity, & The Shire.
It’s possible that I’m eating frosting with a spoon.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.
I’m really a giant cupcake. Afraid of roller coasters and dry ice.
Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.
I have this new theory that adolescence doesn’t end until your early thirties.
Anyone knows my Instagram username not making a new account again.
Insert pretentious stuff about myself here.
Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
Instagram bio is loading.
I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years of my life.
I have this new theory that human adolescence doesn’t end until your early thirties.
Benjamin Franklin wasn’t a president. Just so you know.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Eat right. Stay in shape. Die anyway.
The best time to open a gift is the present.
I used to act. I also belly dance and eat Jolly Ranchers – not always at the same time though.
One person’s LOL is another’s WTF.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Pray, Slay.
You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also put peanut butter in your butthole if you feel like it.
I’m a glowstick – I had to break before I could shine.
I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Cool Comedians Instagram Bios

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
I absolutely hate Instagram and anything else having to do with hashtags.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny.
My life was changed by a train.
Professional procrastinator.
The only thing stopping me from being pure white trash is my lack of motivation.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I’ve found there’s only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Oh I’m sorry was my sass too much for you?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Did my opinion offend you? You should hear the ones I don’t say out loud.
I wish I were an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.
Eating a whole apple core because you can’t be bothered going to the bin, admit it, you’ve done it.
You’re a 10, on the pH scale, maybe. Cuz you’re basic.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, that would be an amazing coincidence.
There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.
I Googled how to start a wildfire. I got 48,500 matches.
My psychiatrist said I was preoccupied with vengeance. I told him “Oh yeah, we’ll see about that!”
A human. Being.
I got a part in a movie called Cocaine. I only have one line.
Bad decisions make good stories.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his junk in glitter? It was pretty nuts.
I told the doctor that I’d broken my arm in several places. He said not to go to those places.
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
One hat says to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
I’m real and I hope some of my followers are too.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
There will be no adulting today.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Ask me about my ADD. I saw a rock. Look, birds!
I’m cool, but global warming made me HOT.
Stay classy.
I’m an aspiring grown-up.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
I’m not actually funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin.
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.
When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Wait, where am I? How did I get in here?
Mermaids don’t do homework.
I can quote (Insert movie) better than you and all your friends.
My road to success always seems to be under construction.
Naturally and artificially flavored.
My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off.
I like long, romantic walks down every aisle of Target.
A man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
I can’t sing. I’m going to sing anyway.
Sarcasm: a way to insult idiots without them realizing it.
I don’t engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Fabulous ends in “us” coincidence? I think not.
What did one snowman say to the other one? Do you smell carrots?
If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
I’m 99% angel… but oh, that 1%.
One bird can’t make a pun. But toucan.
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Without me, it would just be awesome.
I still don’t understand Instagram, but here I am.
Can anything be more valuable than our love? Since you are with me, my only measurement is in heartbeats.
There shouldn’t be a fear of getting old. It’s the fear of not getting there that scares me.
I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.
I’m a force to be reckoned with, I reckon.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo.
You’re right, I’m not perfect. But I’m unique!
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.
I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
I’m too pretty to work.
Relationship status: Looking for WiFi.
This is mostly a Waluigi fan page, please adjust your expectations accordingly.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
Life is dumb and I want to sleep.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
The best part of my job is that the chair spins.
Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are twenty-five other letters in the alphabet.
Funny Instagram Bios.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.
Fabulous ends in “us.” Coincidence? I think not.
I am an actor and a writer and I co-created my breakfast and my son, Malachai.
Buddy, can you paradigm?
Are you a banker? Because I’d like you to leave me a loan.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turned out I only wanted paychecks.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

Unique Comedians Instagram Bios

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
You had me at we have to make it look like an accident.
Mama said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.
Insert your judgments here.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
Due to an intense mind fog, all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
I always feel sad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies?
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory; you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says This is a library. The man whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.
Papercut survivor.
Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.
I looked at my Instagram photos and realized I look beautiful.
I told the cab driver that I thought we were lost. He said, “Don’t worry- I’ve been lost before.”
BAE means Bacon And Eggs.
I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt.
Silence is the most powerful scream.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to realize it was just a Fanta sea.
After Monday and Tuesday, every calendar says WTF.
Where the hell am I, and how did I get here?
Here to serve the cat overlord.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Hey, are you reading my bio again?
Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Gonna be a great day. But first: coffee.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs.
I’ve dedicated this page to documenting the Coach reboot that never happened.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
My life is about as organized as a $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
That awkward moment you get accepted to all the schools you applied for.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more time you have to learn how to fly.
I only rap occasionally.
The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it?
Generally, the path of least resistance appeals. Also, I am excellent at parallel parking.
It’s Weird that all pics shared from Instagram are always blurring.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
I deserve a medal every day I don’t stab someone with a fork.
The wheel’s still turning but the hamster is dead.
Don’t blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
I shouldn’t be allowed to go on Snapchat, Facebook, or Instagram when I’m drunk!
I like hashtags because they look like waffles.
Here to serve the cat overlord.
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
I thought I wanted a job, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
Born to express, not to impress.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I work for money. If you want loyalty, get a dog.
If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!
Spreading smiles like their herpes.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
i dont beleife in spele chek.
Are you a banker because I’d like you to leave me a loan.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
The fat on my body is designer.
I heard that the post office was a male-dominated industry.
Living vicariously through myself.
You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?
I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a female body. Then I was born.
The earth’s rotation really makes my day.
Just another paper cut survivor.
I will go into survival mode if tickled.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
A caffeine-dependent life-form.
Buoyant, waggish, efficacious, indefatigable, demiurgic, convivial marketing companion, self-made thousandaire.
Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
All I ask is that you treat me as though I were Queen.
Spread love as thick as you would spread Nutella.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
By the way, I’m wearing the smile you gave me.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
OMG no one cares.
I am best served with coffee and a side of sarcasm.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why people appear bright until they speak.
I haven’t failed, my success is just postponed until later.
In search of sleep, sanity, and the Shire.
Please insert pretentious crap about myself here.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
I’m a Texan with lots of opinions and pretty hair.
Trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.

Funny Comedians Instagram Bios

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, Make me one with everything.
Books are just TV for smart people.
Just keep swimming.
The only person on Instagram who doesn’t claim to be a social media guru.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way because God makes no mistakes.
Throwing shade like confetti.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
If everyone on Earth joined hands around the Equator, many of them would drown.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
Chocolate doesn’t ask questions, chocolate understands.
Secretly a wizard.
Cartoonist was found dead in the home. Details are sketchy.
Promo Codes for life.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Insert something pretentious about me here.
Have lots of hair and like ugly things.
Being weird is the side effect of awesomeness.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, Just you wait!
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad. You get to meet new people every day.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by change.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Putting the “hot” in psychotic.
I’m the world’s best dentist. I have a little plaque.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I recently gave up Warcraft so my productivity, and drinking, have increased dramatically.
Every time I see you I fall in love all over again.
I tried some strawberry shampoo. It doesn’t taste as good as it smells.
Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water? Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
Camping is intents.
My silence/smile is just another word for my pain.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The bags under my eyes belong to kaya west.
Putting the elation in Public Relations.
The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.
Ok, what’s the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?
Can someone tell me my Instagram username I locked myself out and I do not know what to do.
You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Every storm runs out of rain.
I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
I have an unpaid internship as a professional nerd.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
It would be irresponsible not to make house-cleaning a drinking game.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Only Swag girls are fascinated by hashtags on Facebook.
You have to sift through a lot of gold to find my dirt.
If you message me and I don’t message you back, it’s because I fainted from happiness.
I know I left my sanity around here somewhere.
I named my iPod “Titanic.” It’s syncing now.
Super cali swagilistic hella dopeness.
I recently gave up Warcraft, so my productivity and drinking have increased dramatically.
God is really creative. I mean, just look at me.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Born at a very young age.
Sometimes you never realize the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
I put the whine in wine.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
I’ve been repeating the Everything becomes 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake someone up same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
There’s no such thing as darkness, just an absence of light.
Don’t ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It’s hard for them to stay in the sink.
The scarecrow got promoted. It was only fair. He was outstanding in his field.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
Recommended by 4 out of 5 people who recommend things.
Who else are you going to follow? Really?
I shot a tiger in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart.
I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
I’m like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
I don’t make mistakes; I date them.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly.
Gifted napper, talker, and ice cream eater.
Without you in my life, I would be incomplete. I pray that I should never know such pain.
Proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Save 50% on pictures: 500 words only. Limited-time offer.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Learn more about starting a comedian business:

Where to start?

-> How much does it cost to start a comedian business?
-> Pros and cons of a comedian business

Need inspiration?

-> Other comedian business success stories

Other resources

4-Step Guide: How To Create The Perfect Instagram Bio For Your Business

Instagram gives you 150 characters to tell your followers what your business is about.

This is where you are given the opportunity to summarize your company, engage your audience, and leave a great first impression.

We will break down the qualities and aspects of Later's Instagram bio, as a template for you to use.

Step 1: Highlight Exactly What You Do

Your Instagram bio should be a place where you tell your readers exactly who you are.

This should be brief, clear, and to the point. Explain what makes you unique and what you can do for your audience.

In the Later example, they do this in two different ways:

In their profile name, they showcase their company name with a clear description of what they do
They provide even more explanation and boost their brand up, saying they are the #1 marketing platform for Instagram

Step 2: Pitch Your Service [And Use Relevant Keywords]

While it's important to explain what type of company you are, it's also critical to pitch your product or service.

When creating a website, this is often the first thing people see on your site to really understand what you are offering and what makes you stand out from the rest.

Later does this using one line on their bio, and 8 relevant keywords:

Step 3: Provide A Clear Call To Action

Your call to action should be something you are encouraging your audience to do.

This could be in the form of a recent promotion you are offering, a link to a specific article you want eyes on, or just a way for users to get directed to your website.

In any case, you should always provide the user with easy access to whatever it is you'd like them to do. You can do this by providing a direct, embedded link on your bio.

For the Later example, they encourage users to check out their blog where they showcase tips and guides. This is a common strategy that brands use to get more traffic to their blog, and eventually, turn leads into customers.

Step 4: Use Emojis

Lastly, emojis are a great way to break up any text-heavy sections in your Instagram bio.

Be sure to use emojis that are relevant to your brand or to highlight the items you are discussing in your bio.

Later adds emojis to draw the readers eyes to certain aspects of their bio, such as what they do and their call to action:

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meet the author

Pat Walls